my email is velvetcruor@gmail.com
feel free to reach out if you want to chat... or anything really..jpeg)
This website discusses personal topics including sex, suicide and mental illness.
This is your only warning.
23rd January 2026 - 01:33
Shower thoughts. I randomly remembered the day we found out a girl I went to highschool with killed herself. This happened when I was still 13 but about to turn 14. My friend at the time and I heard rumours of a suicide on our way to assembly. We jokingly exclaimed "It was probably a year 12 who got too stressed over exams"(so morbid right?). Anyway, the principal announced this girls death at the assembly. It turned out she was close friends with my ex friend who I was joking about the rumour with earlier. I think that really fucked her up because she was never the same honestly. She turned into a total nutjob. I remember being so distraught about that whole situation. I remember we had the option to not go to class and sit in the library... so I sat in there the whole day crying to my mum on the phone and paying the Sims 3 with my friends. The girl hung herself on her favourite tree. I remember her distinctly because she would catch my morning bus and always wore a ushanka. I know its awful to think like this but sometimes I truely envy her... like right now. I wish I had her courage to end it. I really wish I did. I always wonder why she did it...There was also a girl in my area later on who killed herself. She was only 12 though. My favourite memories of my life are from when I was 12. That poor girl didn't even get a chance at life...neither did the girl from my school. I feel so guilty for thinking this way but they really are lucky. Obviously they aren't lucky by the way they were suffering, but life gets so much worse from when you're a teenager. So much worse. I hope they're both happy now though, wherever we go when we die.
22nd January 2026 - 22:51
God I feel so fucking pathetic about this whole situation. I somewhat have closure about my relationship with my boyfriend I guess. The whole "pause" on our relationship. I kind of don't understand what that even means but I can't be bothered trying to talk to him about it because he won't even text me back. I cannot stop crying. All fucking day all ive done is bawl my fucking eyes out. Its all ive done for almost 3 weeks. Or maybe it has been 3 weeks. If I didn't start back up my site again I wouldn't even know what the date was. All I try to do is distract myself from thinking about him and how this relationship has gone to shit. Fuck I wish I didn't love him so much so I could just fucking let go which apparently is a piece of cake for him to do. I texted him that I missed him today. No response. I mean he has work but he got off an hour ago. I know hes seen it. I wish I just left our messages at the last conversation. I just wish I could let go. I feel so fucking miserable and worthless. I really just want to kill myself. My mum said that to me today (well she said she wished a truck would crash into us...so same thing) and when I agreed she went on the "you're so young and you have your whole life ahead of you" speech. And she asked me if I really meant that I wanted to die, or atleast be hurt in that way. I said no of course but deep down I did mean it. I get it. I get that Im only young but goddamn it I have no fucking direction in life. I really do understand why people become addicted to drugs and alcohol. I kind of wish I was at uni only so I could get super drunk and try and feel some sort of pleasure. All I feel is fucking pain and suffering all the fucking time. Sure, i'll be over this phase in due time. But it really feels like I never will. Ive always said I can't have a boyfriend and this is fucking why. I told him to not rush things and he fucking did and look what happens. We only lasted for 2 fucking months. I feel like such a fucking loser piece of shit. I literally refuse to ever get in a relationship or talk to a man ever again. This is hell on earth. Why couldn't I just be a lesbian. Or better yet, why can't I just be aromantic. I might be asexual to be honest. My boyfriend couldn't even make me cum. But I mean we didn't even have actual sex just oral stuff. I kind of wish we did fuck so I'd know what it felt like but I guess that would make me more attached. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I think I need genuine therapy. God I fucking hate therapy... but I really need an unbiased, third party opinion. I think my boyfriend does still love me. Well he told me he did twice two days ago but fuck I wish I felt it. All I feel is deep sadness. Anyway... signing off I guess. Until next time... viewer.
Back again apparently. I refuse to rant to my family and friends anymore about my issues because I feel so fucking insufferable to be around... so here I am sobbing to myself and translating my thoughts into written text again I guess. Of course these feelings of sadness are about my boyfriend. I just miss how it used to be you know?... I miss the borderline love bombing he used to show towards me, how he would call me and tell me he loves me even though he knows its too early in us talking to say that. I miss hearing him call me his girlfriend and how I would get butterflies from any affection he showed me. I miss his touch so much the feeling is indescribable. I have this one memory in mind... when we were walking around the botanic gardens and he asked to hold my hand. I miss him demanding to be able to love me. I miss how nervous I was when he would call me. I miss when we would sleep on call every night, then when he would accidentally hang up he would text me "Im sorry I hung up... I need you so bad right now". I miss when he said theres nothing he wanted more than to be with me. Its not the end... it really does feel like it though. It feels like my world is crashing down around me. It feels like my butterflies have died and left behind an aura of melancholy inside me. The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact our names are still in each others bios. But honestly I check everyday to make sure its still there... and that he hasn't blocked me. I love you so much my sweet boy and I hope I get to be with you again soon. My beautiful boy.
Alot has been happening in my life and it made me remember I had this platform to express myself. I have my first boyfriend...which I thought would never happen honestly. I have been going through so much with him though. I guess that's how relationships go. My main issues have been lack of communication and the genuine feeling of uncertainty about the future because of this. We've sorted it out though, and will be putting our relationship on pause for now. But god, I miss him. I miss his smell, his hands on me, his soft curly hair, his big doe eyes, his kisses, how his face feels resting in my palm, the coarse feeling of his beard and the way he reassured me that my body is beautiful even though I hate it so much. I miss his calming sweet voice and how he would express his love for me every hour of every day. Im in so much pain. But I know he is struggling so much in his life and he doesn't mean to hurt me in this way. He apologised for making me feel like this, so I don't really feel any anger towards him. I just want him here with me. I would do anything to feel him sleep up against me and listen to his gentle snores once again. I love him so. My beautiful boy. X+O
Wow! I haven't updated for quite a while!... For those reading who struggle with any sort of limerence, I promise you it will eventually fade away and you won't give a single fuck about the person who is taking up all this space in your life, mind and soul. You will sometimes be reminded of this person but you will no longer feel the guilt and pain you associate with them. You will see them as a distant memory, their face hardly able to materialise clearly in your mind. Don't beat yourself up for having this obsession although it seems extremely ridiculous, it isn't your fault. Anyways, heres a short story I wrote that I would like to share :)
You study her from afar, her grown out, splotchy-red hair catching your eye. Her dark brown roots revealed the woman she tries to cover up. Her resting bitch face and vintage Dior sunglasses suppress the real her. She lights a cigarette, not without struggle. She tries to stop the wind from blowing out the flame. She groans in frustration when the flame goes out. Finally, its lit. She places her sunglasses on her head and takes a long drag of the cigarette. Before she closes her eyes, you notice how beautiful they are. Almost ocean like, a mix of green and blue, with long natural lashes to accompany them. She opens them again after a moment and glances over at you. She gives you a puzzled look. Sorry, people watching is my specialty.
I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. It's eating my fucking brain alive. I don't feel like getting into the nitty gritty I guess because each day I slowly get better but I miss him. Its so painful not being able to stalk his every move on socials and his every thought. Every day I get better. It will get better. That evil motherfucker and his grip on my brain. I literally carved his initial into my leg. Stupid fucking bitch now he's there forever. It will get better.
Moving on, I try to become friends with men and the same thing happens. They make me uncomfortable because of how quickly the conversation turns sexual. Im not completely innocent because I was entertaining this one guy because he was giving me nice compliments (god knows Im an attention whore). But sending me a video of him cumming on a picture of my face was not warranted. I literally feel like ive been violated. It almost made me cry but thankfully my meds won't allow me to do that I guess. I just want to be friends with a cool guy with similar interests like why is that impossible. I also got sent this guys boner but like I met him on a dating site so I guess I set myself up for that one. Only one guy left that isn't actually a complete freak and I can see myself being friends with him. He is a weirdo like me in a good way. I guess I will update on how that goes. Bye for now.